Luttazzi “copia”. E s’incazza se glielo fanno notare

24/05/2010 - di

Il comico citato nell’editto bulgaro e cacciato dalla tv-bene italiana si arrabbia quando alcuni fan gli fanno notare la somiglianza tra molte sue battute e quelle di comici americani. E fa cancellare da internet i video che ne parlano. Youtube

Il comico citato nell’editto bulgaro e cacciato dalla tv-bene italiana si arrabbia quando alcuni fan gli fanno notare la somiglianza tra molte sue battute e quelle di comici americani. E fa cancellare da internet i video che ne parlano. Youtube e Facebook censurano. Senza motivo.

Come fai a dire che una mosca scorreggia? Improvvisamente vola dritta. Zzzz pppp! Zzzz pppp! Zzzz pppp!“. Ok, non è che sia un granché, come battuta. Eppure è diventata un po’ l’emblema di una specie di “guerra sotterranea” che va avanti da un po’ su internet, e coinvolge uno dei “censurati storici” della televisione italiana. Il quale però stavolta ha deciso di vestire i panni del censuratore.

LUTTAZZI COPIA O CITA? - La star in questione è Daniele Luttazzi. Luttazzi, celebre per essere stato nominato dal premier Silvio Berlusconi insieme a Enzo Biagi e Michele Santoro in quello che è rimasto famoso come l’”editto bulgaro” del premier, da un po’ di tempo deve combattere con una serie di commentatori che gli ricordano i suoi “debiti” di riconoscenza – riconosciuti a posteriori in qualche intervista, mai citati esplicitamente nelle opere da lui firmate – nei confronti di una serie di comici statunitensi, come George Carlin, ovvero l’autore originale della battuta citata da Luttazzi e poi ricopiata, sempre secondo Luttazzi, da Paolo Bonolis durante Striscia la notizia. Quella che vedete riprodotta in questo video, dove il censurato si lamenta di essere stato copiato ma non citato da Bonolis, senza però farsi scappare nemmeno in un inciso che quella battuta era stata una sua rielaborazione di uno sketch di Carlin che aveva per protagonista una farfalla.

(video tolto per richiesta di rimozione su Youtube a causa di “violazione del copyright”)

Copia o cita, Luttazzi? Nel caso di Carlin, in effetti, lamentarsi della ripresa di una battuta che non è completamente farina del proprio sacco sembra un po’ paradossale, anche se si sa che la rielaborazione migliorativa di un’idea originale (mettere una mosca al posto di una farfalla) è considerata da molti (non da tutti) un’espressione artistica a sé stante, anche se di minor valore specifico rispetto all’invenzione pura. Esistono “riproduzioni” di questo tipo nella storia dell’arte, con protagonisti artisti del calibro di Picasso, vero. Ma queste opere non sono mai citate nel novero delle più importanti degli artisti in questione: Guernica è più famosa di quella volta che Pablo ha copiato (citato) Braque, magari per gioco, magari per risignificare l’opera del collega.

SO’ RAGAZZI, LO FANNO - Il problema però non è solamente qualitativo, è anche quantitativo. Dicono i maligni infatti – e ammette lo stesso Luttazzi alla fine del gioco La Caccia al Tesoro, dove sul suo sito internet invitava gli utenti a indovinare di chi fossero alcune battute – che nel caso del suo repertorio ci sono 130 comici, dai quali sono state riprese battute, loro citazioni e anche interi sketches, come nel caso di un contributo rimasto poi famoso tratto da Satyricon del 2002: “Perché quando si tratta di donne, è un aborto e quando si tratta di una gallina è un’omelette? Da quando saremmo diventati superiori ai polli? Ditemi un motivo! Non c’è. E sapete perché? Perché i polli sono gente rispettabile: quando è stata l’ultima volta che un pollo ha dato da mangiare farina ad animali per guadagnarci su? Quando è stata l’ultima volta che un pollo ha avuto bombe per smaltire l’uranio di scarto? Quando è stata l’ultima volta che un pollo ha fatto esercitazioni militari non autorizzate in uno spazio aereo civile rischiando come minimo sei collisioni con aerei pieni di passeggeri? Il potere ai polli. Polli di tutto il mondo, unitevi!“. Mentre nell’ultima frase non è difficile ritrovare una parodia di quel Marx che non faceva di mestiere il comico, le prime ricordano uno spettacolo di Carlin, You are all diseased, del 1999: “E ora un’altra domanda: come mai quando si tratta di noi è un aborto, e quando si tratta di un pollo è un’omelette? Siamo diventati migliori dei polli, per caso Quando è successo, che abbiamo sorpassato i polli in bontà? Ditemi sei cose in cui siamo migliori dei polli. Non ci riuscite, vero? Si vedono forse polli andare in giro a spacciare droga? Non si è mai visto un pollo legare qualcuno a una sedia e collegargli le palle alla batteria di un’auto, vero? Quando mai avete sentito di un pollo che è tornato a casa dal lavoro e ha sfondato il culo a calci alla sua gallina, eh? Non succede, perché i polli sono brave persone“. Questo è plagiare?

NO, PERO’… – No, è semplicemente prendere spunto da un’idea divertente, citarla e modificarla rendendola più vicina all’attualità. Anche se a volte Luttazzi ci mette davvero poco del suo. Come nel caso di un monologo di Chris Rock, che comincia così: “Vedete, è facile per una donna rifiutare del sesso. E’ una cazzata per voi tutte rifiutare del sesso. Non è niente. Voi dite: “Perché non sai dire di no? Io dico di no”. E sapete perché? Perchè a ogni donna che si trova tra il pubblico cercano di scoparsela da quando aveva 13 anni. Alle donne offrono cazzo tutti i giorni“. Luttazzi cambia l’età di partenza, portandola un anno avanti (siamo pur sempre in un paese cattolico), e aggiunge: “Quando ciascuno di noi dice a una donna ‘Hey, bel vestito’, in realtà le sta offrendo il suo uccello“. “Ogni volta che un uomo sta facendo il simpatico con voi, non sta facendo altro che offrirvi il suo cazzo!“, diceva invece Rock. “E’ incredibile! Siamo nel terzo millennio e ci sono ancora ragazze che si rifiutano di succhiarti l’uccello!“, si scandalizzava Luttazzi tra le risate del pubblico nel 2002; “Siamo nel 1999 e ci sono ancora donne che non fanno i pompini, vi rendete conto cazzo?“, diceva ancora Chris Rock. Quel monologo viene ancora saccheggiato da Luttazzi, che attualizza il Betamax citato da Rock per paragonarlo alle donne che si comportano così trasformandolo in un Commodore 64. Ok, non è un plagio. Ma una citazione sarebbe necessaria, tanto per dirla nel linguaggio di Wikipedia.

A PROPOSITO! – E a proposito di Wikipedia, è gustosa questa email nella quale Daniele Luttazzi si rivolge agli autori dell’enciclopedia libera a proposito della presenza di alcune sue battute nella sezione Wikiquote: “Ciao. Sono Daniele Luttazzi. Qualcuno degli autori Wikiquote mi ha chiesto se ero d’accordo sulla pubblicazione di alcune mie battute. Ok, ma solo una decina. Di più è approfittarsene. Non costringetemi a ricorrere all’avvocato. Ho scelto personalmente le battute pubblicate su Wikiquote. Sono nella versione corretta: in internet girano spesso versioni parafrasate. Se vuoi una conferma, scrivimi a info@danieleluttazzi.it. Ciao e buon lavoro“. E’ approfittarsene, dice Luttazzi. Le battute sono nei miei libri, è il ragionamento: per leggerle bisogna comprarlo, sono il frutto del mio lavoro. Bisogna pagarmele. Non fa una grinza, anche se seguendo lo stesso ragionamento, e ricordando la legge sul copyright, allora anche utilizzare il prodotto dell’ingegno altrui è perfettamente legale, in alcuni casi. Nello specifico, “Il riassunto, la citazione o la riproduzione di brani o di parti di opera e la loro comunicazione al pubblico sono liberi se effettuati per uso di critica o di discussione, nei limiti giustificati da tali fini e purché non costituiscano concorrenza all’utilizzazione economica dell’opera; se effettuati a fini di insegnamento o di ricerca scientifica l’utilizzo deve inoltre avvenire per finalità illustrative e per fini non commerciali“, dice l’articolo 70 della legge sul diritto d’autore n. 633/1941.

CHE C’ENTRA? – Certo, ci vorrebbe un esperto per dirlo con certezza, ma ad occhio si potrebbe dire che se Wikipedia cita una quarantina di battute di Luttazzi invece che dieci, non commette alcun reato, con buona pace dell’avvocato che il comico voleva mettere in mezzo in caso qualcuno si fosse permesso, ‘ché lei non sa chi sono io, mio caro. Se invece Luttazzi copia interi sketches altrui senza attribuirne la giusta paternità non sta citando, e se lo fa per guadagnarci dei soldi starebbe camminando sul sottile filo del reato, nel caso in cui gli autori da cui ha preso fossero editi in Italia da case editrici pignole sulla questione del copyright. Il monologo su Dio e i dinosauri di Eddie Izzard, ripreso da Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), ad esempio, era registrato nello spettacolo Circles del 2000, e il numero di battute identiche superava quello di quelle “modificate” creativamente (?) da Luttazzi. Ma diciamolo: chi volete che se ne accorga? Per farlo, bisognerebbe che qualcuno si mettesse lì a tradurre e sottotitolare in italiano i monologhi di Izzard, Rock, Carlin e tantissimi altri (Stephen Fry, Steven Wright, Linda Smith, Bill Hicks, Dave Attel, Chevy Chase, Bill Maher, Morth Sahl, Jack Handey), e poi li mettesse a confronto con gli spettacoli di Luttazzi, ricordando poi le citazioni di interviste e articoli di Daniele nei quali il comico si lamentava dei plagi altrui. Per farci magari un video.

DOV’E’ IL PUNTO? – E siamo al punto. Ovvero a un documentario, dal titolo “Il meglio [NON E'] di Daniele Luttazzi“, messo on line proprio da chi si è divertito finora a ripescare le somiglianze tra le battute di Luttazzi e quelle dei comici. Su Youtube, ovviamente, ma è inutile adesso andare a cercarlo. Perché, dopo essere stato hostato, è stato fatto rimuovere dopo un paio di giorni per un reclamo di violazione del copyright da parte della Krassner Entertainment srl, società con uffici a Sasso Marconi, e sede legale a Bologna, in via dei Mille 19, e con sito internet registrato da Daniele Fabbri, nome all’anagrafe dell’artista Daniele Luttazzi. Su Megaupload lo stesso video è durato una settimana: altro reclamo di violazione del copyright, altra rimozione; anche Facebook ci ha messo tre giorni a cassarlo. Il video è scaricabile da Torrent ed eMule, ma uploadandolo – e pubblicizzandolo, come è successo all’utente Luttazzi Copia su Facebook - si va subito incontro alla richiesta di rimozione. Una richiesta che pare immotivata dal punto di vista legale.

LA LEGGE! - Perché nel video, che sottotitola sketches tratti da trasmissioni americane e, di rimando, li accosta a sketches presi da quelle girate da Luttazzi, come Barracuda, Satyricon e altre produzioni per tv satellitari come Jimmy, non si sta violando alcuna legge sul copyright. Lo dice la legge stessa, come ricordato prima: “Il riassunto, la citazione o la riproduzione di brani o di parti di opera e la loro comunicazione al pubblico sono liberi se effettuati per uso di critica o di discussione“. E’ esattamente questo che sta succedendo: a parte che di norma i detentori dei diritti d’autore su trasmissioni della Rai sono solitamente le aziende televisive, e non i comici (a meno che non ci siano particolari accordi tra le aziende stesse e le persone, questo non possiamo saperlo), l’intenzione dell’autore del video è chiara: sta citando per criticare (dimostrando la somiglianza tra monologhi e sketches), e lo sta facendo in maniera rimaneggiata. Ecco quindi che è difficile non riscontrare, nella continua cancellazione di video in seguito a richieste provenienti – come ha scritto Youtube - da una società riconducibile a Daniele Luttazzi, quella che tecnicamente si chiama una censura.

DEFINISCI: CENSURA – Ovvero, il controllo della comunicazione o di altre forme di libertà da parte di un’autorità: un arbitrio, effettuato dai detentori della possibilità di hostare video (se non fosse chiaro, si intende Youtube visto che è il provider a compiere l’atto), nei confronti di un utente, a causa della chiaramente immotivata richiesta di un terzo, un personaggio pubblico che non vuole far passare critiche sul suo conto. Se Luttazzi ritenesse diffamatorio il contenuto del video, potrebbe tranquillamente querelarne l’autore e chiedere la rimozione del documentario dalle piattaforme di hosting. Poi, però, si aprirebbe un processo pubblico che lo vedrebbe nelle vesti del “cattivo“, ovvero di quello che non vuole si parli “male” di lui, dopo che agli occhi dell’opinione pubblica è passato per anni come “censurato” (dalla Rai prima, dal La7 poi) per le polemiche che si sono succedute a causa delle sue trasmissioni. Una storia troppo ghiotta per lasciarsela scappare. In più, se davvero Luttazzi querelasse, si comincerebbe giocoforza a discutere anche del contenuto del video, e qualcuno potrebbe persino pensare che l’autore non ha tutti i torti, visto quanto si somigliano battute e sketches. Figuratevi poi se un giudice dovesse assolvere l’imputato, nel merito, appellandosi all’articolo 21 della Costituzione oltre che alla legge sul copyright. Quella sì, che sarebbe una battuta originale. Farebbe sganasciare dal ridere tutti. Tanto buona e divertente che la copierebbe persino Luttazzi.

MA C’E’ CHI DICE NO - Davide Prevarin, vincitore della Caccia al Tesoro 2006 indetta dallo stesso Luttazzi sul suo blog per chi indovinava da chi fossero citate talune battute, non è del tutto d’accordo:

“Premesso che non ho visto il video e non sono il suo avvocato, dire che da censurato diventa censore è fuorviante e quindi sbagliato. Perchè la censura che ha subito Luttazzi lo riduce a non poter andare in tv come avrebbe diritto (con tutto quel che ne consegue: più pubblicità, più soldi, fama e successo). Lui invece continua (da anni, eh?) nella sua linea di cazziare a morte tutti quelli che mettono roba sua in giro su internet senza chiedere il permesso. Più che altro, la censura che ha subito lui non è paragonabile a quella che sta attuando lui e che, bada, ha sempre attuato. Prima di ‘sto blog qui ne aveva uno in Flash perchè non voleva che la gente copiasse quello che scriveva e lo mandasse agli amici per mail”.

Un filino di fissazione?

“Sicuramente. Sei mai stato a un suo spettacolo teatrale? Appena vede il flash di una foto o lo schermino di un cellulare che si accende lui interrompe lo spettacolo e dice “Niente riprese video, mi raccomando”. L’ho visto io allo spettacolo a Roma di chiusura del tour di Barracuda nel 2007. In quello stesso spettacolo, faccio notare, si è inventato la battuta “se Rosi Bindi e Sandro Bondi facessero un figlio si chiamerebbe Bindi Bondi”. Benigni qualche mese più tardi l’ha riciclata in “se facessero una legge assieme si chiamerebbe Bindi Bondi”. E Luttazzi non si è lamentato, quando gliel’hanno fatto notare ha detto “l’avrà ritenuta degna del suo genio””.

Però quella di Bonolis è clamorosa, dai. Si è lamentato di aver copiato una cosa che aveva copiato lui stesso.

“Lì è importante il contesto in cui veniva detta la battuta della mosca. Ovvero Luttazzi fa un monologo di due ore su quanto Berlusconi sia un farabutto e poi dice “tanto di tutto questo quando uscirete di qui l’unica battuta che vi ricorderete sarà quella della mosca”. Bonolis, che con Mediaset in quegli anni faceva i suoi bei soldoni, di tutto quello spettacolo ha pensato bene di pescare la battuta sulla mosca che scoreggia. invece che una a caso sul conflitto d’interessi”.

Cambia molto?

“Per me sì. Dà l’idea della libertà di satira che c’è in Italia, immagino Luttazzi si incazzi anche per quello, no?”.

E le battute copiate?

“Quelle i comici se le fregano e le modificano da una vita, chi più chi meno (mai visto uno sketch di Robin Williams?). Lui poi è uno che ne ha studiate a pacchi e sa di saperne, quindi è anche abbastanza altezzoso quando si tratta di altri comici e del loro modo di far ridere. Non per niente ha aperto una palestra dove lui decide cosa fa ridere e cosa no. in base alle regole della satira, sia chiaro, ma sempre lui decide”.

Ok. Però dimmi la verità: da fan di Luttazzi, ti sembra normale che faccia rimuovere un video che parla di quello che ti ho raccontato, e nel quale non c’è nulla di falso, visto che le “citazioni” e le somiglianze sono indiscutibilmente vere?

“No che non è normale, è una forma di prevenzione proprio da “a mali estremi, estremi rimedi”. Lo capisco, ma non mi piace: le citazioni e le somiglianze Luttazzi le ha già discusse in giro per internet, che senso avrebbe far rimuovere video per quel motivo se tanto poi ne parla con chiunque dandogli il permesso di pubblicare la corrispondenza? L’essere fissato con i suoi “diritti d’autore” (a torto, secondo me; i miei amici l’hanno scoperto con emule e ora vanno a tutti i suoi spettacoli) e l’aver paura di essere bersaglio facile di critiche (la gente vede il video ma non c’è nessuno a spiegargli come funziona) gli fanno fare queste cadute di stile”.

In conclusione?

“In conclusione, ricordiamoci in ogni caso che Luttazzi è un artista che ha scritto un’infinità di roba che va oltre a quella “copiata”, e che la recita magistralmente. Non riduciamolo a un giullare sfigato piuttosto mediocre che per farsi pubblicità magari fa pure il martire”.

Brigate Luttazzi a rapporto, comandante Prevarin.

“Lol, vaffanculo!”.

Tifenteremo patroni ti montooooooo!11!

“No, c’è ancora troppa gente da educare”.

(la foto di copertina è presa dal sito di Daniele Luttazzi ed è di Roberto Serra. La vignetta di Bobo di Artefatti. Lo diciamo a scanso di equivoci…)

145 Commenti

  1. Pingback: Luttazzi sì, Luttazzi no: Luttazzi [ctrl + c] – [ctrl + v]? « Un blog rigorosamente a caso.

  2. baolros scrive:

    Posso dire di essere un conoscitore dell’arte di Luttazzi. Ho letto tutti i suoi libri (che vi consiglio) e visto i suoi spettacoli a teatro. So praticamente da sempre che nei suoi spettacoli inserisce le battute di Carlin (grazie a DL ho conosciuto questo comico straordinario) Rock, Hicks e compagnia.In tutto questo marasma però, ho capito che molti hanno preso solo le battute copiate da Daniele inserite nei suoi monologhi di 2 ore circa. Un esempio? La battuta sulla mosca: Luttazzi non si è incazzato con Bonolis perchè ha citato la battuta di Carlin, Luttazzi si è incazzato perchè il monologo in cui è presente la batutta (Adenoidi 2003) per un buon 70% è contro berlusconi . Bonolis era presente teatro e tra le centinaia di battute che DL fece sul Berlusca, indovinate l’ex conduttore di striscia quale scelse?
    Luttazzi copia? Chi se ne frega. Gli devo troppo risate e la conoscenza del grande George Carlin. Non oso immaginare il debito che hanno i Rolling Stones e Led Zeppelin nei confronti dei blues man americani che non ce hanno fatta e sono rimasti ignoti ai molti. L’arte la si copia da sempre. Per fortuna dico io. Luttazzi può piacere o non piacere, ci mancherebbe altro, ma smettetela con questa storia del plagio, altrimenti da Monicelli, a Fellini, da Benigni a Beppe grillo (quando faceva il comico), da Trosi a Villaggio, ne dovremmo processare uno al giorno. No grazie, preferisco godermeli.

  3. IN FONDO ALLA PAGINA scrive:

    Il meglio [NON è] di Daniele Luttazzi

    STREAMING

    http://blip.tv/file/3719629/

    DOWNLOAD

    http://www.furk.net/df/d44f196d3ff632f7

  4. Pingback: Quel (non) copione di Crozza

  5. Nulla quaestio scrive:

    Non solo Luttazzi copia, ma ha creato anche centinaia di account falsi per cercare di insabbiare e creare “rumore di fondo”. Per fortuna ci sono i fatti, ovvero la prova delle battute copiate, che ammontano a interi spettacoli. Da ex fan deluso sia per i plagi che per il suo comportamento, le riporto qui sotto a futura memoria:

    EMO PHILIPS

    People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”
    -> Cosmico, pag. 51

    I ran three miles today… finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”
    -> Satyricon, pag. 94

    I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

    The one with Van Gogh picture donated anonimously to a museum and him who goes to the front deks and says “I’m the anonimous doner and I want it back!”.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 183

    (http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/142)
    You know when you are in bed at night and your house starts making noises you don’t hear during the daytime, like “Emo I’m going to kill you…”. Well, I remember that song: [sings a song I don't know]. And I start whispering [makes sound of whisper]. And I feel a hand around my neck and a voice “thanks, I thought I’d never find you in the dark”.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag.151

    I went to grammar school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?,” and I said, “Ah, yes and no.” She sends me to the principal’s office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, “Emo, Emo, Emo.” I said, “I’m the one in the middle, you drunken slob.” [...] He said, “Emo, you’ll have to see the school psychologist.” And I said, “But why do I have to see the school psychologist?” So he shows me the petition.
    And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it’s kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don’t be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”.
    And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it’s a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It’s a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you’re looking at!” [...]
    And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny and this shows how tricky those guys [scil. psicologi] are. I eat the chocolate bunny and I think “Wait a second. This isn’t around Easter. Was this some test?”
    He said “Yes”
    “Ad what does it mean?”
    He said “Well, had you eaten the head first, you’d’ve been normal; had you eate the feet first, you’d have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first, you’d have had omosexual tendencies; had you eaten the breasts first, you’d’ve had a latent Oedipal complex.”
    I said “Well, go on, what does it mean when you bite off the eyes and you scream Stop staring at me!”
    You know, he says “It shows you have a tendency to self-distruction”
    I say “What d’you reccomend?”
    He says “Go for it!”
    -> Satyricon, pag. 93-94, 123

    My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 151

    (this one was adapted to Jugoslavia’s internal religious differences, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244)
    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
    -> Satyricon pag. 131-132

    (context changes)
    I loaned a friend of mine 8000$ for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

    A guy came over and asked if he could read my gas meter. I said, ‘Whatever happened to the classics?’
    -> Adenoidi, pag. 19

    The toughest time in everyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil. Other than that tho, it’s been a good day.

    I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, “Get off of me, you two!”
    -> Satyricon, pag. 136

    What is eternity? You’re on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It’s the checkout girl’s first day on the job. She doesn’t speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.
    -> Adenoidi, pag. 105

    And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it’s kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don’t be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”.
    And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it’s a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It’s a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you’re looking at!”
    -> Adenoidi, pag. 142

    The other night my dad took me aside, said: “Emo, I want you to promise to take care of your mother after I’m gone”. I said: “Dad, don’t talk like that. I don’t wanna have to take care of her”.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 124

    (http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/108)
    Once I went to the library. I said, “I’d like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver,” and the guy said, “look at the card catalog. I’m busy.” So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It’s not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, “It’s a reference book. You can’t take it out; you have to Xerox it.” I said, “Do you have change for a dollar?” He said, “It’s not a bank, it’s a library.” So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, “Do you have change for a dollar?” They said, “It’s not a bank, it’s a souvenir stand.” So I go to this bank, and they said, “Yes, this is a bank.” And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there’s a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I — finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, “Put it back, now that you’ve used it.” So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, “Thank you.” I said, “Well, thank you! I’m never coming to this barn again.” And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister’s almost purple from the chicken bone.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 128

    I almost didn’t make it here. I made a mistake on driving, I’m on second avenue and have to get to 8th avenue and I thought ‘What street do I take to get from second to 8th?’ Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They’re dredging the car right now.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 72

    (http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/105)
    I was in a bar few nights ago, moving from stool to stool trying an’ get lucky, but there wasn’t gum under any of them. And I heard giggling behind me and at first I don’t mind,but the giggling continues. Finally I thought “What’s so amusing?” I turn around, these two guys for the last half hour or so have been throwing darts into my head. It’s a good thing I heard them! I said “Look you, bums” ’cause I was angry now I said “As soon as this game is over, hit the row”
    -> Satyricon, pag. 94 e 122

    We go back to her place and she lights some candles and incense. She said “Alright, Emo, you make the next move.” So I sacrificed her poodle to Zarkon, the space god.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 127

    I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 43

    (interviewed by the ONION A.V. CLUB (http://www.avclub.com/articles/emo-philips,13681/))
    EP: I’ve been at a hotel for a week, and I’m the only person here. It’s like The Shining. The window opens only four inches to prevent suicide, which is great, unless they cancel Ally McBeal. Then they’ll have to make it two inches. It’s a nice hotel. They have videos you can rent. I saw Armageddon for the first time.
    ONION: What did you think?
    EP: If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
    -> I giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 83

    (from the same interview)
    ONION: With all that, why return to stand-up now?
    EP: I just realized that I loved it, subconscious be damned. I’m going full hog with this thing and having a great time. I’ve been at this 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. But I tell you, when I do the little comedy clubs, it makes me realize why I got into this racket in the first place: to pick up skanks. But now I can’t, ’cause I’m married, so maybe I’ll read more Gibbon.

    I can’t even program my telephone, but those guys are like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.
    -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 102

    (http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/180)
    They always have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like under-achievers.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 126

    When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 129

    My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour…
    -> Satyricon, pag. 124

    (Luttazzi says fins instead of harpoon, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/140)
    I was in Jerusalem last year. I felt so embarrassed, you know. I was standing there at the Wailing Wall, like a moron, you know, with my harpoon…
    -> Satyricon, pag. 127

    (Luttazzi does the same joke about Berlin)
    It’s great to be here in Pasadena. I’ve never seen so many coffe shops in my entire life and so little reason to stay awake.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l’acne, pag. 127

    We almost didn’t have a second date ’cause the first date I didn’t open the car door for her… you know, instead I swam up to the surface. You know… women.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l’acne, pag. 129

    “I wanna see your parents”
    “I’ll need a bigger shovel”
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l’acne, pag. 129

    I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 181

    Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs?
    -> Lepidezze postribolari, postfazione

    I’ve no idea how electricity works; all I know is, it calms me.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 110

    Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs?
    -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 70

    GEORGE CARLIN

    (in Luttazzi’s version it changes a bit in the examples part)
    Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.

    Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

    [The entire segment with the sun and the Joe Pesci praying (instead Luttazzi uses Monica Bellucci); Luttazzi puts togheter the sun worshipping joke and the Joe Pesci one]

    If there is a god, may he strike this audience dead.

    You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line.

    (Luttazzi’s version is about Berlusconi instead of “americans”)
    I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore..

    (here Luttazzi says “mass” and not “mess”. The joke works as well, maybe even better: it is up to the reader whether to consider this a translation mistake or an improvement over the original joke)
    Farts are shit without the mess.

    My god has a bigger dick than your god!

    Here’s a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 63 years old James [surname] was asleep last week in his down town motel room. He awekened to the sound of a dog barking. When he awoke the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog let him out of the room, down the hall and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn’t his dog.

    (about the hypocrisy of the sanctity of life, the entire speech is practically the same and the following joke is identical)
    Look at what we kill! Mosquito and flies because they’re pests. Lions and tigers because it’s fun. Chickens and pigs, ’cause we’re hungry. Pheasants and quales and whales, because it’s fun and we’re hungry. And people, we kill people, ’cause they’re pests! … And it’s fun!

    The joke about capital punishment where you can bet about which hole the head (once separated from the body) will roll into starting from a hill.

    (Napalm & Silly Putty, Luttazzi uses Elba instead of Kansas)
    First group: Violent criminals.Here’s what you do: You take the entire state of Kansas and you move everybody out. You give the people a couple of hundred dollars apiece for their inconvenience, but you get them out. Next you put a 100-foot-high electric fence around the entire state, and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No police, no parole, no supplies; the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition. So they can communicate in a meaningful manner.
    Then you put the whole thing on cable TV. The Violence Network. VNN. [...]
    But this is only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to harass consenting adults who dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers as they take turns blowing their cats. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s a victimless hobby. And think of how happy the cat must be. No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters; those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can’t help gettin’ a little of it on you.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 63-4

    Did you ever find youself in one of your house rooms and can’t rememeber why you are in there?
    Have you ever been sitting in a rail road train in a station and there’s another train right next to you. And one of them starts to move and you can’t tell which one it is.

    (about the car sticker)
    Baby on board. [...] I’m supposed to alter my driving habits because of some woman forgot to put a diaphram in.

    (about the right to joke about everything, e.g.: rape. Luttazzi’s joke is about Laurel & Hardy)
    Rape can be funny. don’t believe me? Picture Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.

    ..it’s either 8:15 or Mickey has a hard on!

    We’re taxiing in and the flight attendant is saying, “Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.” Well, how can someone who’s just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she hasn’t gotten to yet? Doesn’t this violate some law of physics? We’ve been on the ground barely four seconds and she’s comin’ on like the fucking mayor’s wife.

    It’s physically impossible to sneeze while pissing.
    -> Sesso con Luttazzi

    Did you ever notice that your own farts smell OK? [sniffs] “Say, that’s fairly decent!”

    (Luttazzi says “in bed” instead of “in an elevator”)
    If two people are in an elevator and one person farts, everyone knows who did it.

    (1978)
    I’d rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I’d like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. “Okay, Sherrif, we’re gonna Fuck you now, but we’re gonna Fuck you slow.”
    -> Satyricon, pag. 119

    (1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 11)
    If they have a salad bar, ask how many times you can go back. If they say as many times as you like, ask for a lawn bag. Come back the next day with a small truck. Tell them you weren’t quite finished eating the night before. You’re actually within your legal rights, because, technically, no one is ever finished eating.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 146

    (1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 9)
    I mean, I wouldn’t order something called a “meat sandwich”, would you? At least not without a couple of follow-up questions: “Does anyone know where this meat came from?” “Are any of the waitress missing?
    -> Satyricon, pag. 38

    How to Remove Chewing Gum from Your Bush (from The George Carlin Book Club #1: Brain Droppings, pag. 45)
    [...]
    When will the rethorical questions all end? (from Short Takes #2: Brain droppings, pag. 194) [...]
    You are all diseased (pag. 209)
    -> I libri della settimana, in Barracuda, pag. 179

    (Brain droppings, pag. 91)
    When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 53

    (Back in Town – G. Carlin, quasi 9 minuti di routine ricuciti in 2 domande di Satyricon)
    And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren’t afraid to die. They’re already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. [...]Death penalty doesn’t mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like… the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers.

    And I’m not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I’m talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let’s bring back crucifixions. [...]And I’d go a little further, I’d crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I’d have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You’d have people tuning in, don’t even care about Football! Wouldn’t you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I’ll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you’re going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won’t even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
    What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I’m sure as long as we’re killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! [...] Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I’d be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. [...] You want something a little more delicate, we’ll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There’s a lot of good things we could be doing. [...] Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! [...] Here’s something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult… right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You’d have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you’re shooting off one, you’re loading up the others. ‘Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness… right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon… and stick it up a guy’s ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh?
    -> Satyricon, pag. 107-8

    (Back In Town 1996)
    Question. You ever have to fart on a bus, or an airplane, or some sort of public place… but you hadn’t been farting all that day. So you didn’t really know… the nature… of the beast. You only knew there was lots of it.
    In a situation like that, what you have to do… is to release… a TEST FART. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about ten to fifteen percent of the total fart. In order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or, or if in fact, you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency.
    When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge such as reaching for a magazine. “Say!! Is that GOLF DIGEST?!” *fart* “Well, this doesn’t smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way, it’s rather pleasant. I think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby.” *faaart*
    And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a Foot Locker. [...]
    -> Satyricon, pag. 155

    (Brain droppings, pag. 195)
    Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As i emerged, a man wheelchair asked me indignantly, “Are you handicapped?” Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, “Not now. But I was before I went there.”
    -> Barracuda, pag. 21-22

    (Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 140) (same joke about Enrico Mentana)
    If you listen to his voice carefully without looking at the screen, Ted Koppel sounds like he’s taking a shit
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 40

    (Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 261) (The person who wonders is Berlusconi after the 9/11 attack)
    When a plane crashes, and a lot of people die, I always wonder what happens to their frequent flier miles
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 17

    (Parental Advisory, 1990, track 4)
    [Real maniacs] Like a guy who gets a big tatoo on his chest of Liza Minelli taking a shit. You know? Then he tells you that if he wriggles in a certain way it looks like she’s wipin’ her ass.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 91

    (Brain Droppings, pag. 214)
    It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 39

    (Brain droppings, pag. 205)
    When you look at some of Picasso’s paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 21

    (Class Clown, track 4)
    [about Sunday school] They really didn’t have any answer. They’d fall back on Well, it’s a mystery. Oh thank you, father! A mystery, of course, what’s he talking about? A mystery!
    -> Castrazione, pag. 73

    (Brain Droppings)
    During pregnancy, my mother carried me very low. Indeed, for the last six weeks, my feet were sticking out. She was the only woman in the neighborhood who had maternity shoes. But she told me I was a big help when it came to climbing stairs.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 22

    (Playing with your head, track 4)
    here’s another way to spice up the game: leave the injuried on the field.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 31

    (Napalm&Silly Putty)
    Ask your dry cleaner if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them in another
    -> Castrazione, pag. 131

    I’d like to improve auto racing. This is a sport that’s very big in the South; a perfect marriage of fast cars and slow minds. I think if they want to liven up these races, what they ought to do is have one guy driving in the wrong direction. Simple thing: one guy, moving against the traffic. [...] You could also stick three children with rickets in the backseat.
    -> Cosmico, pag. 76

    (from Brain Droppings)
    If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they’re still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s OK.
    -> Giardini, 76

    BILL HICKS (died in 1994: cancer)

    Not all drugs are good. Some … are great.

    I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. “Hey, buddy! We’re Christians and we didn’t like what you said.” I said, “Then forgive me.”

    And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It’s a bunch of little congregated cells. You’re not a human … till you’re in my phone book.

    I’m sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I’m not sorry if you are offended, I’m actually sorry – just the fact that you’re Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.

    Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it’s all about, perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?
    “Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

    Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fuckin’ write about jogging? ‘Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower.’ Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies…. while jogging. There is a God. ‘Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

    “Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy.” What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground?

    This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: “What, what?” Let me just clarify: I know you think they’re special … ha ha ha! I’m aware of that. I’m just here to tell you that they’re not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we’re only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I’ve wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I’ve tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: “Unngh … what’s for fucking breakfast?!”

    [The joke with Keith Richards' brain, which, when on drugs, makes the sound of "Satisfaction".] That’s him on drugs? Give him some more! Let’s see what else he pumps out!

    All this travelling, all this moving from town to town, living out of a suitcase. It’s a hard life for anyone to comprehend. It’s really going to take one very special woman. Or a lot of average women.

    (from Bill’s very last stand up act)
    I was in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting to know: they celebrate Easter in the exact same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.

    You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” “How do you know that?” “Uh, well … we looked at the receipts.”

    The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

    (changes a bit in the ending: the president asks “when do I have to bomb Iraq?”)
    I have this feeling man, ’cause you know, it’s just a handful of people who run everything, you know … that’s true, it’s provable. It’s not … I’m not a fucking conspiracy nut, it’s provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you’re in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, “Roll the film.” And it’s a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you’ve never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it’s from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, “Any questions?” “Er, just what my agenda is.” “First we bomb Baghdad.” “You got it …”

    I finally got my own TV Show coming out as a replacement show this fall!It’s a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus.

    Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory. Think about it, you get in traffic behind somebody. (Makes loud horn noises) “Shut up and smoke that! It’s the law!” (Puff puff) “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”

    (in Luttazzi’s version the joke is about Piazza Fontana and Valpreda)
    [the Assassination Museum, about Kennedy's death] it’s really accurate, you know, cos Olswald’s not in it.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 68

    You cannot top this shit… unless… they start using terminally ill people as stuntmen in pictures. [...] You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put’em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a bird in some hospital room? [...] Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? [...] “Wow, he kicked her head right off her body. Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy?”
    -> Barracuda, pag. 54

    (Luttazzi combines these two very close jokes, he just removed the part between { } and replaces it with “there’s”)
    It’s not an Adult Feature unless { at the end someone’s gooey! }
    Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder!
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 77

    Two of Bill Hicks’ routines: Basic Instinct: [...] piece of shit. [...] and then I come to find after that film, that all the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all… all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film, bcause the test audience was turned off by them. [...] If i had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that fil would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part to be put back in, all right? “I swear I was in that movie, I swear I was!” “Gee, Mike, the movie started, Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. [...]” What I’m saying is it’d be a different film if I was the test audience, that’s all I’m trying to get at there. Don’t try an’ talk for me please.
    [The followings are part of another routine during another show, still talking about S. Stone etc.] Yeah, you get to see her pussy for one-eighth of a second. I timed it. Don’t blink, you might miss the plot. [...] you know there’s movies you can rent? Nothing but pussy – did y’all know that? Swear to God, one-eighth of a second of plot, the rest of the film: pussy.
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 121

    ROBERT SCHIMMEL

    The following jokes are taken mostly from “Robert Schimmel Unprotected”. A 50 minutes show which Luttazzi plagiarized almost entirely. Some others are from “Guilty as charged”.

    [at the checkout in a hotel]
    A: “…How did you like cock-mongers?”
    B: “There must’ve been a mistake I didn’t rent that…”
    A: “Oh yeah? Wanna see the video of you jerking off to that movie?”

    [the official burial for gold fishes: flushing them down the toilet]
    “You can’t do that with a dog or a cat.. What if it got stuck and then the plumber came over:
    “Yeah, I think I found the problem… You’ve got a german sheppard in your toilet. .. Can I use your phone for a minute?”

    [exactly the same kind of joke but modified, I inserted (exceptionally) this one because what matters for this joke is only the technique, the context doesn't count]
    Wife: “Bring him to the vet!”
    Schimmel: “Yeah, like I’m going to bring a 5 dollard rabbit to the vet…. …. So, we’re at the vet and…”

    Wife: “maybe you’re suffering from premature ejaculation”
    Schimmel: “does it look like I’m suffering? [...] Men don’t suffer from premature ejaculation, women do. There is no such thing. When it’s time, it’s time.”
    “Baby, I’m gonna cum”
    “Wait…”
    “No, you hurry up!”

    [The joke where you stop a guy from ejaculating by squeezing his cock]
    “and he won’t have an orgasm… ever again!”
    “Squeezing someone’s dick when he’s gonna cum?? That’s like duck tape on somebody’s mouth when he’s gonna puke! That shit doesn’t work!”
    “It’s gonna find some place else to come out…”
    Men: “I’m gonna cum!”
    Women: “No, you’re not!”
    (Squeeze dick)
    Women: “Ehy, your nose is running..”

    [the woman not wanting to have sex because she feels unattractive]
    “I don’t feel attractive..”
    “well, believe it or not, my dick has a very poor vision, actually, he’s legally blind”
    [...]
    “What guy would think like that? If the woman says “ehy what about a blowjob tonight?” and he: “nah, I’m too fat to blow…””
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 45

    “I sat down with my daughter and said: do you know how babies get made?
    Daughter: “The lady has an egg inside of her and the man has sperm inside of him and the sperm meets the egg and this is how the lady gets pregnant..”
    Schimmel: “Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?”
    Daughter: “Does the man pee on the woman?”
    Schimmel: “Sometimes, but that’s 35 dollars extra…”

    [the one about sexual fantasies: Schimmel vs Wife]
    “I’d like to fuck your sister..”
    “How could I have known that her fantasy was for me to sleep in the car in the driveway that night?”

    “I saw a fake vagina that plugs directly into the wall, there’s no body connected or anything and I was thinking: “yeah, I’m gonna stick my dick that squirts a liquid into something that’s plugged directly into the wall socket”… So, I’m on the floor fucking this thing… and the lights dimm and I almost shit in my pants.”
    [and the part about the paramedics founding him if he died]

    [the one with the vibrator where the woman sticks it in the man's butt first]
    Wife: “Here!!! Is this what you wanted to do to me???” (poking the vibrator in Schimmel’s butt)
    Schimmel: “Take it out of the box first!!”

    “I took a shit once and it was black and I know that black means something wrong and I started to panic and I called my dad.
    “Dad you’re not gonna believe this, I just took a shit and it’s black!”
    Dad: “Bob, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m on a business meeting and you’re on a speaker phone”
    -> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 34

    I love my dog but I’m not rubbing cream on his asshole.
    - Yeah, d’you like this? does this feel good?
    - Yeah… what’s next?
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37

    My mom uses herbal bathroom freshener. All it does is making it smell like someone shitted in the woods.

    (Luttazzi’s joke is about Fabio Fazio and a horse, but it’s the same joke)
    For 50 million dollars I’d suck Tyson’s dick on tv in front of my parents. I would, right on tv, I don’t give a shit. [...] How bad can a dick taste for 50 million dollars? You can spend a million on mouthwash and have a really nice life.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 54

    (about water landing with the airplane)
    [..] shark eats you, eats the cushion as little fiber and has an A shit the next day

    I was with my kids to LA, in one of these nature marine park places who have these billboards all over: “Come see fish in their natural habitat”! And then you get there and they have clowns riding on the back of dolphins and whales jumping through fire hoops. Like this is what you see when you go to the beach!
    But she wants to get something to eat, my daughter, and I take her to the snack bar and they serve Filet-O-Fish! What the fuck, what are these, the acts that screw up? [...] “You see your friend Louie on the grill over there? [...] I don’t care if you’re a fish, get on the bike!

    My brother scuba-dives, he goes: “Oh, you know what you do if the shark’s bothering you?” Bothering? You need to look in the dictionary, pal! It really bothers when he shears my leg off to the hip. I find it very bothersome to get back to shore with my torso snapped in half. He said: “What you do is to let the shark get up to you and then punch him in the face!” Yeah, now when that doesn’t work you poke him in the eye with your stump. Punch a shark! What if he wasn’t even gonna attack you? What if he’s just curious, he’s swimming by and you: Pow pow pow! “Ehi! What the fuck?! What d’you do that for?” “I thought you were gonna attack me!” “I’m going to now. I was gonna let you go, bu the other sharks are watching, it doesn’t look good now!”
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 45-46

    So my wife wants to get in shape and she signed me up to the gym with her and everybody look so good at this place. You gotta work out some place else before you can go to this place!
    [...]
    So he goes: “Listen, first you gotta do a little fitness-test, to see where you’re at” I say: “I can save you some time right now! ’cause I got a little wheezing filling out the application.”
    -> Barracuda (ed. Bestsellers Oscar Mondadori, 2000), pag. 22-23

    [to a decapitated head) - Hey, ar'you ok?
    - I can't feel my legs!
    - Don't look down.
    Oh, what if your brain lived for a minute after your head came off? [...] – Shit, look at that! Hey, that’s my shirt. Fuck, my head’s off. This is bad!
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), p. 145

    [to his daughter] Here, let daddy show you how to do it. [blowjob]
    Breathe with your nose, that’s the secret.
    Oh, that’s pretty fucked up…
    The day she blows some guy and he goes: – Hey, great blowjob!
    Yeah, my dad showed me how to do it!
    -> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 44
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 42

    I was walking over tonight I saw some young couple in the horse-and-carriage riding by. It looks real romantic. It’s like 25 bucks, you smell on horse farts for half an hour.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 70

    [he ate halopinio peppers] The next morning I thought I was shitting battery acid. It burns so bad I came this close to stick a Popsicle up my ass.
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 41

    Having sex after a heart-attack (the pills are in my pussy, come and get’em)
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 80

    (Schimmel Comes Clean – track 05: Time-Life book)
    A guy jumped out of an airplane, chute didn’t open, fell 300 feet and lived to tell the story, Well, I wanna heard that story!
    - Gnggnngngngngmmmm eeeeeeeeee…
    - I’ve heard about that
    -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 126

    (Unprotected, minute 50:30 ca.)
    She [my daughter] goes: “Daddy, can I talk to you for a minute? [...] Daddy, I don’t like it in the butt”
    “Yeah, you and your mum both”
    -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l’acne, pag. 42

    JERRY SEINFELD

    (SeinLanguage pag. 144, 1993)
    Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

    (about the expiration day of milk)
    How do they know that that is the exact day? They don’t say it’s in the vicinity, roughly etc. They brand it right into the side of the carton. Ever had milk after THE day? Scares the hell out of you, right? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bottle… [...] I don’t know how they are so definite, though. Maybe the cow tipped them off.

    I like hotels. I enjoy tiny soap. I pretend that it’s normal soap and my muscles are huge.

    (Luttazzi’s version is a bit different: it is about perfumed underwear)
    I have the underarm deodorant with the cologne smell. Why do you want the smell there? I think once a woman’s got her nose in your armpit, the seduction’s pretty much over.

    It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
    -> Tabloid

    MORT SAHL

    (Luttazzi’s joke is between Berlusconi and Rutelli)
    Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

    DAN SAVAGE

    (quoted from Wikipedia)
    Santorum is a sexual neologism proposed by American humorist and sex-advice columnist Dan Savage in 2003 to “memorialize” then US Republican Senator Rick Santorum from Pennsylvania due to the controversy over his statements on homosexuality. Savage asked his readers to submit new definitions for the term; the winning definition was “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”
    (The so called “giulianone”!
    Luttazzi renamed “Santorum” to “giulianone”. Giuliano Ferrara is a pro-life, pro-war, pro-Berlusconi, pro-torture etc. italian journalist.)

    (Skipping Towards Gomorrah, 2002)
    My proof that homosexuality is not a choice? A question for my straight male readers: Is there anything I could do or say or write that would convince you to willingly, happily, eagerly, anxiously, deliriously, lustfully put my dick in your mouth and leave it there until I had an orgasm? I rest my case.

    EDDIE IZZARD

    (it’s Aunt Sofocle in italian instead of Ted)
    So in the christian faith god created Adam in its own image. But 60 million years before that, god created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted.

    [the whole joke (which lasts about 10 minutes) with jesus who enters the dinosaurs pub, every dinosaur stops what he's doing and turns to jesus]
    Jesus: I’m Jesus, the son of god… In one religion. I’ve come to read you the stuff for my father’s folk, which I hope we’re going to publish soon… It’s called the holy “bible” [...]
    Jesus: blessed all the meek, for they will inherit the world…
    Dinosaur: Roaaar
    Jesus: ok, I’ll cross that one out… ’cause they won’t mind.. What about “blessed all the huge scary monsters for they should doubtlessy inheirt the world, unless something awful happens with the temperature…”
    [the dinosaur beheads Jesus, Jesus goes back to his dad with his head under his arm]
    Jesus: what a bunch of bastards!!
    [god kills the dinosaurs by raising the temperature, god creates the humans and Jesus goes back to earth, he comes back 33 years later]
    Jesus: you bastard! They treated me worse than the fuckin’ dinosaurs! God damn it, they nailed me [..] for three days!
    God: sorr.. I didn’t kno..
    Jesus: you knew all the time! Opposable thumbs.. you knew they got hammers! God: what happened?
    [Jesus tells what he did, the hanging out with fishermen etc. Always talking about the size of their fishes]
    Jesus: then the rich came who wanted to get into the kingdom of heaven. I said well it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for the rich to get into heaven.
    God: That was pretty surreal of you.
    Jesus: Well, I’d been smoking a bit that day… But the rich, they got huge blenders and they put camels into them, and they sprayed them, through very fine jets, through the eyes of needles. So they’re all coming up now.
    (I’m sorry if I didn’t transcribe everything, but it was simply too long)

    [the joke with lassie communicating impossible things through barks]
    Lassie: bark bark
    Guy: A boy? Lost in the desert?

    And Steve McQueen is just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he’s in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don’t know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and then Switzerland.

    [...] because my gran said put a thimble on your finger in case you slip with the needle and the needle goes up into the brain and.. death.

    (when only few applaud)
    Thank you, two people.

    Also, if you’re in a restaurant and you’re choking to death, you can say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver.” If you’re just coughing and got some, you say, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. The trouble is, it’s very difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death. Yeah.
    ( mumbling and coughing )
    “Your hymen’s been removed?”
    “No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )
    “You need it removed? Right…”
    I don’t know how you remove a hymen… But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,
    “A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha… lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!”
    “Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?”
    “Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I’m you’re husband, for fuck’s sake! Loosen up, don’t be so bloody Prussian.”
    “Well, what is it, Günther?”
    “I have invented a maneuver!”
    “What are you, a bloody tank commander now?”
    “No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!”
    I don’t think he actually did it that way. I don’t think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.
    ( German accent ) “Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball…”
    ( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath.”
    “I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of…” ( muffled shot)
    “I still cannot breath.”
    “Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot )
    “Jesus fucking Christ!”
    “Ok, then maybe with a frying pan…” Pow!
    ( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )
    “Must be a combination. No, ok… ”
    “Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop…
    “Frying pan…”
    ( Hans collapses to thefloor )
    “Oh, he’s dead.”
    Other doctors are going,
    “How’s it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?”
    “Well, not very well at the moment. It’s not really a maneuver at the moment. It’s more of a gesture.”

    So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can’t just fall into it. There’s others, like taxidermist. You can’t go, “I was working in a chip shop, then I started stuffing animals with sand.”
    You’ve got to want it. “I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I want to get more sand into an animal than anyone’s ever bloody got in an animal. I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert so it’s really quite tight.”
    They should put more things in, sand gets boring.
    “Porridge. I’m doing this one with porridge.”
    B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun.
    “Your dog’s finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!”
    “It’s a bit floppy.”
    “Yeah, that’s porridge for you. You’ve got a two-level effect.”
    “That’s got a nine-level effect.”
    “I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.”
    “It’s a bit high up.”
    “That’s helium for you. There’s no height restriction. Do you want it here?” Woosh. Pah.
    “In fact, grab hold, I’ve got two controls.”
    “What? Oh, right, I see. Er.”
    There’s a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression.

    So Noah started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark.
    (Sawing noise)
    [...]
    And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon.
    Ooh-ooh-ooh!
    “Stop hitting me.”
    Ooh-ooh-ooh!

    And so Henry the 8th – who was Sean Connery, for this film: “Well, then I will set up a new religion in this country! I will set up the… Psychotic Bastards Religion!”
    And an advisor said: “Why not call it Church of England, Sir?”
    “Church of England! That’s much better.”
    -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37

    They went to the Moon – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin… And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, “One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.” Good line but not his line, I don’t think… it didn’t feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, “Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don’t get it wrong, Neil. Don’t fuck it up. Here we go. I’M A SMALL MAN WITH A GIANT BIG – shit!… ONE MAN, SMALL GIANT… What was it?”
    ‘Cause you gotta say something! (…) You can’t land on the Moon and go: “Fucking hell, I’ve been in that spacecraft… (stretching noises) Right, I need a piss.”
    He had a sense of humor, so he should have used it. ‘Cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could’ve been there saying, “Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there’s the mountains in the distance, there’s the Earth! There, you’re looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see A FUCKING MONSTER! THERE’S A MONSTER BEHIND ME! Oh no, help! Get off my leg!” Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit, Neil doing a close-up: “He’s got me, Houston! The monster’s got me! He wants cash! He’s got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million… TWO million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don’t know, the North Shore! What the fucking hell…?” Oh, it would have worked, wouldn’t it?
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 61

    Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can’t even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that’s murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick – that’s what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can’t deal with it, you know? Someone’s killed 100,000 people, we’re almost going: “Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can’t even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: ‘Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, LUNCH, death, death, death, AFTERNOON TEA, death, death, death, QUICK SHOWER…’
    -> Satyricon, pag. 46

    I’ve never actually, in my life, ever seen anyone actually slip on a banana skin in reality (E. Izzard, Definite article)
    -> Decameron in tv
    -> La Guerra Civile Fredda, pag. 225

    (Dressed to Kill – recorded 1998)
    We all know one of the main elements of attack the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the First Battalion Transvestite Brigade? [...] “Fuck, look at these guys… They’ve got guns, they’ve got guns! Jesus, take my gun!” Okay… I was so surprised, were you surprised, I was surprised!
    -> Barracuda, pag. 48

    But Mars…… It came to visit us. Mars the red planet. It came so close to the earth and if stood out on top of your house with an extended car aerial, and you had a frog on the end of it who had a long tongue who had a stick insect on the end of that and the stick insect was holding one of those tape measures you had, when you would click it off, and you used as a sword, when you were a kid and it kept going poomf, and you and it would go poomf. And you could make it a certain size, and poomf, and if you had all that and you waggled it around, You could almost touch mars, If you were mad!
    -> I Giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 31

    And then, of course, Leonardo da Vinci, who did the Mona Lisa with the enigmatic smile, which is glum in fact, isn’t it? That’s glum! Enigmatic’s just a big word that’s all glum. She’s glum, she’s… And they X-rayed the painting and there’s different earlier versions underneath it. The first version of the Mona Lisa was much more (mimes very big smile). Happy Lisa! The second one was (mimes sexy look) Sexy Lisa! And the last one was Moaner Lisa, “You fucking finished? Have you fucking finished? Fucking – I’ve been here 15 fucking years…”
    But he did other paintings, like he did that guy in the bowler hat with an apple in the face, that’s his. And the one of lilies which is all blurry, that blurry lily one. And he did a couple of Pissaros, one or two Lautreqs.
    And he also made weapons of war, and pictures of anatomy. And he invented a helicopter that did not work. And so did I! Yeah, did not work! I accept your applause for my crap invention. For it had a lawnmower engine, it was made out of wood and string, and it went under water. My helicopter went under water… on paper. But then the paper would get wet and, you know, a helicopter that just exists on paper – it needs to fly in the air. And I’m trying to make this work as a joke… and it won’t.
    -> I Giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 32

    When British people go there (in Holland), they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers)
    “How long have you been here, man?”
    “A minute!”
    -> I Giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 40

    Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans.
    -> I Giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 70

    In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time?
    -> I Giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 75

    (Circle – Jesus in Religions Pt.1)
    Yeah, and Johnny Paul was looking for a coming-together, I believe, a sort of, uhh…syn…synergy between the five, the major five religions, being: [counts them off on one hand] Christianity, Judiaism, Islam, RCA, Sony. [pauses] Buddhism and Hinduism.
    -> Decameron tv: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNGZeQLRY_0

    (Circle)
    It was the Renaissance. The Re-Naissance. French for “rebirth”. And that’s why everything happened slap-bang in F – Italy. But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain… cul-de-sac, a certain… Jacques Chirac. A certain… pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne.
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), pag. 43

    (Circle)
    Then he did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition – he said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat. “Tell me, Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo.” “El Diablo is an exciting character. He is one with the ladies. Why do you wish to know?”. “No reason, just a casual chat.” But it wasn’t. It was, (mimes operating a rack)
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 147

    (Circle)
    And it’s… you know, because the Pope has got stuck in that sort of ‘I’m wearing a tent’ type thing. And he goes round in a Popemobile, and the only other person who does that is Batman, who goes round in a Batmobile. Cause he’s Popeman! (sings) “Popeman! Popeman! With Altar-boy!” “Quick Altar-boy, there are some sinners who need chastisin’. Leap into the Popemo…” (dramatic music impression) “Put those candles out!” (mimes using strange weapon to do this) Pssthou, Pssthou, Pssthou! “With holy water and Jesus disks!” (mimes throwing samurai stars). “Vampires! Look out, Popeman, vampires coming!” (4 more Jesus disks) “You sure shot them out of the sky!” Could be a whole series… with a lot of complaints.
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 148

    STEVEN WRIGHT

    When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

    (adapted to Berlusconi, instead of lawyer he says Berlusconi creates a law)
    I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

    I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

    If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

    (in Luttazzi’s version the son of Berlusconi is asking this to the father)
    Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

    I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

    You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

    (Berlusconi to his son)
    My uncle once told me when I was five, ‘When I was your age, I was six.

    (the location changes)
    The other day I got on an elevator and this old guy got in with me. I was over near the button, I pushed number four and I said: “Where you going?”. He said: “Phoenix”. So I pushed ‘Phoenix’.

    Now I’m going to tell you about the girl I’m seeing now. The last week in August we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don’t know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain. And the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper.

    I was walking through the desert and a UFO landed, these little 1 inch tall guys got out and came over next to me. I said: “Are you really that small?” They said: “No, we’re just really very far away”.

    There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

    I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

    (after repeating a joke)
    Just checking.

    Last summer I drove cross-country with a friend of mine, we split the driving, we switched every half a mile. The all way across we only had one cassette tape to listen to. I can’t remember what it was.
    -> Capolavori, pag. 125-6

    I said: “D’you live around here often?” She said “You’re wearing two different color socks” I said “Yes, but to me it is the same ‘cause I go by thickness”.
    -> Capolavori, pag. 16

    Today I dialed a wrong number….The other side said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?” They said,” Uh, I don’t think so…He’s only two months old.” I said, “I’ll wait…”
    -> Capolavori, pag. 89

    Wondering how my life would’ve been different had I been born one day earlier. Then I’m thinking Maybe’t wouldn’t have been different other than I would ask that question yesterday
    -> Capolavori, pag. 109

    Jesus pissed off a lot of people, y’know, “Stop changing the water into wine, I’m trying to take a shower!”
    -> Capolavori, pag. 153

    I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 98

    I like to leave messages before the beep.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 57

    I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn’t know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve gone skiing in ten years.” I said, “Why did you take such a long time off?” He said, “I was in prison. Want to know why?” I said, “Not really…Well, okay, you better tell me why.” He said, “I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel.” I said, “I remember you.”
    -> Barracuda, pag. 19

    I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
    -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 28

    Every night I go home and I stare at my rug and try to move it using
    telekenesis. I’ve been doing that every night for eight years; the rug hasn’t
    moved an inch. The rest of the house is gone.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 155

    I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn’t right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn’t believe it…I got my roommate and showed him. I said, “Look at this–everything’s been replaced with an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?”
    -> Barracuda, pag. 18

    My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I’m in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 19

    It’s kind of an insane case … 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I think they’re not guilty.
    -> Barracuda, pag. 18

    When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
    -> Capolavori, pag. 99

    (I have a pony)
    I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
    -> Satyricon, pag. 72

    (about Emilio Fede)
    I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose
    -> Capolavori, pag. 93

    You know that feeling when you’re just falling asleep and you feel like you’re falling and you wake up? I feel like that all the time.
    -> Capolavori, pag. 107

    Whenever I pick up hitchikers, I like to wait a few minutes before I say anything to them. Then I say: “Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.”
    -> I giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 80

    What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    -> I giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 57

    (about Berlusconi, but the same in Satyricon)
    I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
    -> Satyricon, pag. 72

    (I have a pony)
    I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, “Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.”
    -> I giardini dell’epistassi, pag. 80

    (first found in Just For Laughs, 1987)
    I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him “There, now you’re done.”
    -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 108

    CHRIS ROCK

    Everytime a man’s being nice to you [women], he’s offering you dick.

    It’s beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, cause you know they’re fuckin’. You ain’t gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally, you might even see some clear heels! [referring to strippers]

    (The one about Nelson Mandela getting divorced)
    Marriage is so though Nelson Mandela got a divorce. After 27 years of prison etc…

    You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It’s like a dick in glass case: in case of emergency break open glass.

    One thing I learnt about women. Guys: never ask a woman how many men she slept with. ‘Cause you don’t wanna know. Just be happy you’re fucking her now. [..] Why you wanna know? First off, no matter what she says, it’s too much for you. She can go “two” and you’ll be like: “two?? TWO?? I guess it’s how you was raised”.
    Women will lie. [...] If she says “three”, that’s “ten”. You know, you have to give every woman a seven dick curve. That’s more like 3 di

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